Sent in by reader: What Jeff Foxworthy has to say about people in North Carolina :
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in North Carolina.
If you are "fixin" to go anywhere, you may live in North Carolina.
If you've worn shorts to a Christmas party, you may live in North Carolina.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in North Carolina.
If "Vacation" means going to Myrtle Beach for the weekend, you may live in North Carolina.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in North Carolina.
If you know folks who have killed more deer with their vehicles than with guns, you may live in North Carolina.
If you install security alarms on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in North Carolina.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in North Carolina.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in North Carolina.
If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in North Carolina.
If you and your friends live for basketball season, and football enjoyment is limited, you may live in North Carolina.
If you know for certain that Charlotte is not really the State Capital, you may live in North Carolina.
If you know three different recipes for baked beans, and which dish you can eat before going to a wake, you may live in North Carolina.
If you know two of more friends named "Trey", you may live in North Carolina.
If you can name two hurricanes that blew away your neighbor's trailer, you may live in North Carolina.
If you think that all Yankee students who graduate from UNC should move back home to Yankee-land, you may live in North Carolina.
If you think that the tobacco barn out front is part of your home, you may live in North Carolina.
If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with your North Carolina friends and others, you definitely live in North Carolina.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
You May Live in North Carolina
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23 comments:
Love it! Born and Bred Tarheel!
As this thread is about humor, I thought that I would forward another email that I received to everyone. I found it very funny, but then I am a conservative. My apologies to any Liberals that can't laugh at themselves.
THE HISTORY OF BEER
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. Liberals crept
in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get
more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to aggravate them.
Guy, you may rest assured that I will respond. In the mean time, my favorite:
If your mama doesn't take the Marlboro out of her mouth when she tells the highway patrolman to kiss her ass, you may live in North Carolina.
Guy, this is just a start. I shall return:
scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of conservative hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 liberal men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them lost all sense of reasoning, started talking nonsense, and voted for an idiot.
Shyster,
You liberals have the advantage if you like beer. It takes 12 pints to make a liberal vote for an liberal or talk like one. (You did say idiot, did you not?) Conservatives vote for conservatives (geniuses') stone cold sober and never talk nonsense. The problem is that liberals cannot hold enough beer to take advantage of the small traces of conservative hormones. This is why they make more sense drunk. The more drunk the better.
Good effort at a comeback.
Try to put content on the blog and one light post and suddenly everyone goes weird on me. But, I don't know if there is a lesson here for me.
Wrong, Guy, like most conservatives you can’t understand plain english, but you can't help but try to spin your ignorance.
You see, the conservative-hormone laced beer caused liberals to ... oh hell, what’s the use?
Try this:
Why Beer is Better than Religion:
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
Sorry Blogger,
I guess humor has changed. A thousand years ago (so it seems) when I was in college, trying to keep a joke going by "one upping" each other was the height of humor. I though Shyster and I were doing pretty well.
Just to give you a "line" on the situation, we use to do the same thing with puns. I was pretty good at getting the "hook" into someone. "Reely." I am not "fishing" for compliments. Of course some people reached their "limit" of this kind of humor fairly quickly.
That was pretty bad, wasn't it? It works betterr when a big group of people are all playing the game in a conversation.
Apparently Shyster has never been to Bavaria.
There was great controversy a couple of years ago when the German gov't changed the 400 year old law regulating the contents of beer by adding sugar(!!!!) to the centeries old statute of Barley, Water, Yeast and Hops. Don't think many Bavarians approve of that.
Every GastHaus has their house beers proudly painted into murals on the sides of the buildings, and their loyalty to their preferred brew is such I can envision Beer Wars between them over which is best.
BierKrieg anyone?
I just saw an article that said Santa can't say HO HO HO anymore, cause it's offensive to women.
Guy, did you say puns? I collect stressed puns.
This is for you as a Winter Solstice Holiday Season Gift. Wolfie can't read it. He has no sense of humor.
“What are these?” John Smith asked, pointing to the line of posts and flags that ran from the dunes to the water line.
“We’ve had to put up a fence and the flags are there to scare away the seagulls.” The park ranger answered.
“Why do you need to scare away the seagulls?” he asked.
“Watch and you’ll see,” the ranger answered.
At that time a seagull skirted the posts and flags and landed in the water not far from the low tide mark. It floated in the swells until a huge porpoise rose from the depths and, snatching the seagull in his mouth, jumped high into the air. He consumed the seagull before he splashed down in the water.
Smith was shocked. “I’ve never seen anything like that. I didn’t know that a porpoise would eat a seagull.”
“We’re kind of shocked too,” the ranger said. “First, we’ve never seen a porpoise that large and did you see how high he jumped and it looks like he was glowing in the air. We don’t know what to make of it, but it is either a one-of-a-kind porpoise or one of a new species.”
“That still doesn’t explain the posts or flags?” Smith said.
“The problem is that those seagulls are endangered and, in the week that the porpoise has been here, he has eaten hundreds of the seagulls. We hope that the posts and flags will scare the seagulls away and then the porpoise will move on. We think it’s working. That was the first seagull that has landed there in two days.”
The ranger walked away leaving John to stare and watch the porpoise slowly circle, looking for food. When he was the only one left on the beach, John shrugged and turned to go home.
“Wait.”
John heard the voice and looked around. No one was there.
“Wait, I need help.”
He heard the voice again and looked toward the water. He saw the porpoise balancing on his tail like Flipper and glowing in the air.
“Did you say something?” John asked, feeling very foolish.
“Yes,” the porpoise answered. “I am starving. You must help me.”
“How can you talk?” Smith asked.
“I am a divine porpoise. I came here to help the earth solve its problems. I need help. Those seagulls are my only source of food.”
John made his decision in an instant and moved down the beach away from the flags and posts. He took a sandwich from his backpack and held it out. Only the fledgling seagulls, unwise in the dangers in the world, would approach. As the young seagulls got close, he would hit them with a stick. Soon he had three of them and returned to the line of posts and flags. He threw the fledgling seagulls over the posts and climbed after them. Before he could throw them in the water to the porpoise, he was surrounded by FBI agents.
“Sir,” the head agent said, “ you are under arrest.”
Smith looked at him. “You’re a federal officer. You have no jurisdiction here.”
“Yes sir I do,” he said. “You have violated the Mann act by transporting young gulls across staked lines for immortal porpoises.”
Tsk, tsk, shyster!
That is a modification of one of P. D. Q. Bach's oratorios!
Have you no shame!
Oh, I forgot, you're a lawyer.
As usual, Wolfie, you lack both a sense of humor and the abilty to comprehend. I said I COLLECTED stressed puns. At no time did I take credit for creation.
As with most of the Right who have gone too far over that edge, you feel the need to lash out at anyone who does not agree. I don't agree with most of your positions. That makes me the enemy and therefore everything I do, no matter how innocent, must be evil and must be attacked. It is a sad (but predictable) life you live.
By the way, the gift of the pun was addressed to Guy. You must think the Patriot Act gives you leave to read it and jump in. That idiot piece of legislation isn't making us safer, but it is changing common courtesy in America.
Patriot Act Changing Common Courtesy??????
I don't like the Patriot Act either, but that is a stupid statement.
And by the way, if you're going to collect stressed puns at least collect the originals instead of inferior remakes.
Wolf, Because I am not in denial and know we are already in WWIV requiring new rules of engagement, I am all for the Patriot Act. However, I do have to say, I thought Shyster's application of it in his post above was a bit of a hoot.
YOu guys are a breath of fresh air to read. Keep it up and I'll keep coming back!
I have to say Shyster's post was funny, regardless of where he got it. I haven't heard it before. I heard the following years ago in grade school.
An old Chinese gentleman named Chan ran an antique shop. He displayed his most valuable antiques (which were small figurines) on a table in the front of the store. One day a hungry grizzly bear came out of the woods and attacked a young boy in front of Mr. Chan's store. The bear devoured the boy except for his foot, which ended up being carried in the bear's mouth. People came running to drive off the bear. The bear tried to escape through Mr. Chan's store. In the process of doing this the bear became tangled in the table cloth covered in figurines. As it ran for the woods dragging the cloth full of antiques, Mr. Chan ran out of the store and shouted "Stop! Where are you going boy foot bear with 'tiques of Chan?"
You have to either be old or fairly well read to find this funny.
On a serious note, I have to agree with both Shyster and the Wolf. (The Wolf, Shyster, and I agreeing, will wonders never cease?) The Patriot Act is not a good thing because of abuses to individual liberties of citizens of this country. As the saying goes, those that give up liberty for security will have neither.
Guy, I have added that to my collection. In return, please accept:
Roy Rogers rode Trigger into town to do a little shopping. He walked down Main Street, greeting most of the town folk. In mid greeting he saw a pair of hand tooled leather boots in the window of the saddle makers shop.
These were, by far, the most beautiful pair of boots he had ever seen. The leather was flawless. The cow that had worn that skin first had never had a run-in with either a whip or barbed wire. The leather work depicted the flora and fauna of the west in beautiful detail. The birds looked like they could take flight and the other animals looked like they could growl, snarl and bark as called on. You could almost smell the flowers carved and cut into the tanned hide.
Roy had to have them. He went into the saddle makers shop and asked the size.
It was his size.
He asked to try them on and they fit like a glove.
He asked the price and the saddle maker said, "$1200."
Roy hemmed and hawed and talked and thought.
He had to have them.
He and the saddle maker settled on $1000 and Roy put the boots on and mounted Trigger for the trip home.
In the box canyon near the ranch he and Trigger were jumped by a starving mountain lion. The lion was clearly more interested in Trigger than Roy and Roy had left his guns back at the ranch.
Trapped in the canyon, Roy kicked at the lion while Trigger pawed, reared, snorted and tried to escape the large lion.
Finally they broke loose and Roy and Trigger made it out of the canyon and back to the ranch. Roy’s gorgeous new boots had been shredded by the teeth and claws of the hungry lion.
Dale met them at the gate, frantic with worry.
“Why are you so late and what happened to you?”
Roy took off Trigger’s saddle and let the tired horse roll in the dust and grass. He led Dale into the house telling her the story of his day and showing her his shredded boots.
At that moment a large mountain lion came to the top of the ridge line and Dale saw him, against the sun, howling in frustration.
She pointed at the lion through the large picture window and said, “Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”
Have you guys totally lost it!!
Blogger, you started this. It's just like a Republican to stir up trouble and then try to blame everyone else.
Shyster, I don't even know what the meaning of "this" is.
Blogger, once you unleash the evil beast of humor you can't control where it goes. You unlocked the cage. Ride the beast or get out of the way.
If more than three dogs live under the front porch of your house you must live in North Carolina.
Blogger, as you might have guessed, the "ride the beast" comment was mine. My computer skipped my nom de blog. I don't want any Nonny Mouse getting the blame for my comments.
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